Didn't I
by Lyoness of Avalon
Summary: While in the hospital, Jimmy reflects on his relationship with Chloe. Set mid-Season 8


I was in the middle of re-watching Smallville when I heard this song on the radio that reminded me instantly of Jimmy Olsen. The song was called Didn't I? and it's by James Wesley. I always felt bad that Chloe never bothered to tell him any of her secrets.

Disclaimer: I do not own Smallville or the song "Didn't I". Some song lines were slightly altered to fit into this story.

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><p>Jimmy lay in his hospital bed, thinking about Chloe.<p>

Didn't I? Didn't I promise to always be there for her? Didn't I tell her she could trust me, that she could tell me everything? She never did. Never believed me; never trusted me.

Why couldn't she trust me? What couldn't she tell me anything? She was marrying me. I told her everything-all my secrets. Why did she go to everyone but me whenever she was in trouble?

What does Davis have that I don't? What has he done for her that I haven't? I know I've been jealous, I was over it with Clark. But Davis? No. He's nothing, should be nothing to her. They barely know each other; at least that's what I thought. _I_ know Chloe and she knows me. We know each other, don't we?

Do we? Did we ever?

Maybe that's the problem. Maybe we never really did know each other. At least, I didn't know her. She never trusted me, never let me in. Maybe she let Davis in. Why is he so much more trustworthy than I am? Why wasn't it me? It should have been me.

Why?

Because it was me. I wrapped my arms around her. I gave her everything she ever wanted. I was her handsome, her everyman, her little slice of normal. Was that why? What was so crazy in her life that she needed me to be normal? I was never her knight in shining armor, her hero in the night.

Does she regret it? Does she think she made a mistake? What was she thinking? What was I thinking? She wants a hero, not a sidekick.

I don't even know what she was doing with me. She had a host of reasons, when I asked, but it felt like she was reading off a list as she told me. She's so busy with other people she doesn't look at me. She's busy with all those men in her life. All of whom know her better than I do. Clark Kent, Davis Bloom, even Oliver Queen. Any of them could say more about her than I could. How did she meet them? How did they win her trust when I couldn't?

I know she trusted me on some level. It was a trust to keep quiet, to not ask questions, not to worry. So sure, we had our ups and downs, but we were solid, we always made it through. At least, I thought we were always going to make it through.

Didn't I?

I waited for her. I tried not to press her. I was the only one she kept in the dark. I know she lied about what happened at the wedding. I know she lied about Isis, about Davis, about Clark, about Oliver. I wanted her to open up to me, to trust me. She said we'd be together forever, but she never really meant it.

Didn't I love her more than anything, than anyone? Wasn't it me? She was marrying me. Didn't I wrap my arms around her and stare at her; swear I loved her in front of a hundred people?

I should have known better. When I woke her up before our wedding and she didn't even know my name I should have known. She remembered Clark. She remembered Davis. But me, Mr. Jimmy Olsen? I wasn't there. I was never the most important man in her life.

Was I?

I couldn't ask why she was late or missed dates, why she sometimes came in looking like she'd been through a hostage situation, why she got strange phone calls she would answer at any hour, day or night, when she wouldn't even text me for days.

Then there was the other end. The look in her eyes when I let her go the first time, and the kiss we shared when we thought our lives were ending. The way she said yes to me. The feeling I get that while she's hiding something, that she thinks she's keeping me safe. I've felt for so long that these things outweighed the rest, that we were going to last.

I loved her like crazy, but let's be honest. She tore me down. She thinks that I left her, but she's the one who up and left me. I know she thinks she'll come back but she's gone. I can't let her back in. It would be the same thing all over again. I did everything I could to keep her. Now I know I lost her a long time ago. Even so, I loved her more than she knows.

Did she ever love me?


End file.
